Mother's Day
Kind of long.. I’m about to be real here.. I knew I wanted to be a mom when I grew up, and for as far back as I can remember, that’s all I EVER REALLY wanted. I loved my dolls when I was a little girl. I remember pretending they were real babies, as I’m sure most little girls do. I loved real babies and I wanted to hold them whenever I had the chance. I loved babysitting and was lucky enough that there were a couple families, that for a time, I was a regular for. After I got married, our first calling in our first ward was in the nursery. That made me super baby hungry, and despite the fact that we had already talked about waiting a couple years, I just couldn’t. So, by the time our 1st anniversary rolled around, I was 6 months pregnant. Rylie was a dream baby. Very ideal as a first. So easy going, mellow tempered, slept really well at night. We could not have been happier. Or so we thought. A little over 2 years later, Alyssa was born. She was probably the cutest baby (newborn) I had ever seen! Which was a good thing, cuz she was NOT the same, easy-going baby that Rylie was. I sat up at night crying because she would wake up in the middle of the night and be wide awake and I could not figure it out, and I was just too tired to even think. But she was cute, so we kept her. And then we decided to add to that chaos, and brought Camden into the world about 19 months later. A BOY!! That bond between boys and their mamas is so real! I was in love. And to watch my girls be little mamas to him, what joy! Eighteen months later, Trenton came along. He was perfection. The best little snuggler. He completed our family! (You all know that’s not true, but we didn’t. At the time.) Life got a little chaotic for a bit after Trenton was born. Not because of him, but because of some personal things that started with PPD. I wasn’t the greatest mom. Neglected my kids more than I’m proud to admit.
Rylie started Kindergarten that year. Sometimes I think back and almost find myself in tears because I wish I could have been better. We only had 1 car and lived in Apache Junction. Her school was 10 miles away. I sent her off to school most days on a school bus, with no car to come and rescue her if she needed me to. (which fortunately back then, she didn’t) I couldn’t be present to help out in her class or to go on field trips. She survived, and managed to find her way home, all by her 5 year old self, the time she fell asleep on the bus and the bus driver allowed her to get off the bus 2-3 streets away, and walk all the way home. Something she had never done prior and didn’t really know the neighborhood that well. I remember calling the school panicking when she didn’t come home on time. I walked out the front door just as she was walking up the driveway and she was strong that whole way and as soon as she saw me she broke down in tears. I still, to this day, can’t believe that bus driver wasn’t more aware. But why wasn’t I at the bus stop waiting for her??
Shortly after she started 1st grade, we moved back to Mesa. Within a couple years of that, I started having feelings of wanting another baby. Life had improved but trying to discuss with Josiah that I wanted another was not an easy thing. He was fairly closed off to the idea. Eventually I started having feelings of “someone is missing. I need to count my kids to make sure they’re all here” even when we were all standing together in the same room. I prayed that if we were supposed to add another baby to our family, that Josiah would know as well. Not too long after, he confessed that he had had those same feelings and it brought me to tears. I was so happy! Of course, that doesn’t mean 9 months later that we welcomed another. Instead, we suffered 5 miscarriages. One of the pregnancies was even twins. But none of them lasted more than 10 weeks. Still, there was grief. I began to think maybe I was crazy and there wasn’t actually supposed to be another baby joining our family. I even went a couple years where I didn’t get pregnant, even though we had not given up trying. Then I was blessed with the opportunity to babysit a little 9 month old girl. I was overjoyed! It filled that void. She was the sweetest little girl, so easy to take care of and love. Shortly after I started babysitting her, her mom came to me and informed me that she was pregnant, and wanted to see if I’d be interested in babysitting him after he was born and a couple months old. I was delighted! It was not too long after that, that we learned I was pregnant again. After what I thought was a miscarriage, we found out the pregnancy was actually vital. We were overjoyed, but hesitant to tell anyone until we knew for sure that it was going to stick past the 14 or so weeks that they tell you you’re “safe”. Once we were in the clear though, I informed the parents that I was babysitting for, and told them that I was planning to still watch their kids after I had my baby, and that I needed to continue as soon as possible after my baby was to be born. I needed life to get back to “normal” quickly, in hopes of avoiding any serious PPD this time around.
So, 9 years and 4 months later, Everleigh joined our family. Wow! What a breath of fresh air! I was in absolute heaven. I couldn’t get enough of her. Starting over at an older age wasn’t as difficult as I maybe had thought. I was much wiser than when my 1st baby was born. Even my 2nd-4th. I had so much more experience under my belt. I even recommended to a few others that they should have a couple babies, then wait several years and have another. There was just so much joy that came with Everleigh! I wanted others to experience that same joy. We had decided though, that we didn’t want Everleigh to be an “only child” (with the age gap and all..) so we left the window open. As time was going on though, I began to think it wouldn’t be terrible if we were done. But just as I was having that thought, Heavenly Father was having another. Within a week, we found out I was pregnant with Keaton. He has completed our family in ways we only thought back when Trenton was born. I know for certain now. I didn’t (even though we had verbally decided) previously.
Knowing that I’m done having babies hasn’t made being a mom easier, obviously. It is a challenge every day. One that I obviously knew as a little girl that I would be willing to take on. And I love it! I am grateful every day for each one of my babies and the fulfillment they have brought to me. I cry when they aren’t kind to me, but Josiah sticks up for me. I cry when they have achieved things that didn’t come easily to them. I cry when they cry. I pray for them daily. I try to be the best mom for them that they each need me to be. Which is often changing from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I love my role. I wouldn’t change it for anything. Thank you, Rylie, Alyssa, Camden, Trenton, Everleigh, and Keaton, for allowing me to have this dream that I have wanted my entire life! I love you all so much!! Thank you, Josiah, for putting up with me and for giving all these babies to me! I love you! Happy Mother’s Day!!
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